I work part time as a cleaner in a building in central Dublin. The work is relatively simple but it gives me an opportunity to think and sometimes ideas come into my mind, in a way that wouldn't happen in another job. Last week, while working away, I began thinking about life as a married man and this led me to write the following short poem.
How To Assemble A Husband
The package she'd waited all her life for suddenly arrived,
All present and correct, she wondered?
Carefully, she checked for any signs of baldness,
Or other defects he might have
Opening the package,
Her eyes were drawn to the User's Manual accompanying the delivery.
She began reading it with increasing excitement:
"Batteries and Mains are not included,
A reboot - otherwise known as a 'kick up the arse' -
Maybe required from time to time.
"Unlike earlier German models, our Irish 'prototype'
Does not come with a strong work ethic.
However, he can display a good sense of humour
And is known for a fondness for alcohol and an interest in sports,
If operated properly.
Irish 'customers' ", the manual went on, "should note:
that despite best efforts, his teeth may not be as straight as with US models.
"Care should be taken when opening his 'package',
Below the waist.
Unfortunately, the size may not correspond to that shown in our catalogue.
In cases where the model fails to function 'sexually',
Please refer to the accompanying virility guide.
Customers should note that a small dose of Viagra,
May be needed from time to time,
Depending on the age and condition of 'the engine'.
"It is advised that,
Unlike Italian or Brazilian models,
Our Irish man can endure cold weather quite well.
However, long periods in the heat - in some cases - can lead to malfunction,
Excess alcohol consumption is to be avoided in such circumstances.
"Excessive 'nagging' or other such irritating behaviour,
Can render 'the model' defective
Long term, this can lead to break up
And in extreme cases can sometimes lead to divorce
We are not liable for this kind of outcome
Customers are reminded to prepare dinner for 'the model',
However, our 'new and improved' 21st Century boy
Can work automatically and,
Therefore less manual handling is required in the kitchen.
Earlier 'models' displayed high levels of male chauvinism and/or misogeny,
However our 2026 design has repaired this bug
So we are confident you will have to put up with less ' bullshit'.
Finally ladies,
Please remember that a husband should be for life,
And not a 'temporary little arrangement'.
Once cared for properly
He should last a lifetime
With very little maintenance required.
Unfortunately, the enclosed warrenty
Does not apply to models that may become violent or sexually abusive
In such case the Gardaí maybe needed to intervene
We wish to congratulate you on your new delivery
And the very best of luck with the life you have chosen."
© Iano 2026
