This is very personal. It tells a story about me that went previously untold. I woke this morning at about 6 o'clock with the subject on my mind, but not knowing exactly how to approach it via poetry. Then it streamed out of me. I read it back and tears flowed down my face. I bawled out in pain/joy. The relief of being able to finally express what had not been able to come out of me is immense. I normally love reading my work aloud. But I am afraid this one will be too hard for me to read out without letting emotion flow. Anyway, this is now, unleashed, as it were and ready to be read. By you.
I love the female
The smell of a woman
Sends my nostrils a twirlin' - into ecstasy
When I was a boy
In school for the first time
I knew some girls
I talked to the girls
I played with the girls
Not with the boys so much
But defo liked bein' with da ladies
Spendin' time with them
Helped free me
Cos you can always be free
When yer talkin' to a female
My young male mind was innocent
Back then
It hadn't been corrupted
By male macho aggression
But unbeknownst to me
This fun was about to leave
A long period of pain 'n' confusion
Was about to enter my life
This, I now know, has lasted
Perhaps 40 years
I will now tell you, or perhaps try to tell you, why
Leaving that Ursuline school
With all those nice girls
And not botherin' to stay with de boys
I get a shock to my system
'We are sending you to a new place'
My parents tell me, one day
The fees are too high, so I had to move
New school - but all boys!
Trouble ahead
My heart sank as I felt da strain
Of bullyin' in my ears
Use yer fists now, you've gotta be hard, right?
But didn't like to fight
Didn't enjoy this new male company
Forced upon my shoulders
Too little to fight back
Too small to say: 'I want to be with da girls'
I had no voice
So my bed was set
I had no choice but to let
This situation play out
Until a crisis emerged
This female absence in my life
I now see was destructive
As you shall soon see
Primary, then Secondary schools
Dublin, 1980 - 1990
For most of those years, if not all
I suffered the incarceration of masculine oppression
My teenage years were very hard
Only boys surrounded me
Everyday I had to portray an image
But I could not be aggressive
Couldn't rise for a fight
By this time I began to start
Questioning my sexuality
Was I gay? Am I gay?
I asked myself daily
Queer, you're a queer aren't ya?
These thoughts tumbled around in my mind for years
But no, I always yearned for women
I wanted to start to fuck women
But instead I began to fuck my own mind
Wet dreams of ladies - same age as me
Left a stain on my bed
While - silly me - spent da days thinking
'Aren't you gay?'
This is da pain I carried
Long into my adult life
Unable to slay this male piece of shit
Lodged deep in my psyche
'No sexual adventures for you then boy'
Someone must have mumbled at my birth
This boy, now a man aged 47 just this week
Is now able to fuck women
But I cannot
I fuck with my words
My female creative juices have been released
Having been repressed for so long
So I get pleasure, unbridled pleasure
From being with ladies of all types
Conversin' 'n' diversin' with women
Cos that's who I really am
Chattin', laughin', givin' pleasure to females
Fuckin' my ladies with my words
Givin' them an orgasm
Without touchin' them physically
These days I'm a married man
Childless through circumstances
That I still am copin' with
But still able to love
Still able to cherish
My female side is unleashed
And all you males can just
Go fuck yerselves!
**************************************************
The smell of a woman
Sends my nostrils a twirlin' - into ecstasy
When I was a boy
In school for the first time
I knew some girls
I talked to the girls
I played with the girls
Not with the boys so much
But defo liked bein' with da ladies
Spendin' time with them
Helped free me
Cos you can always be free
When yer talkin' to a female
My young male mind was innocent
Back then
It hadn't been corrupted
By male macho aggression
But unbeknownst to me
This fun was about to leave
A long period of pain 'n' confusion
Was about to enter my life
This, I now know, has lasted
Perhaps 40 years
I will now tell you, or perhaps try to tell you, why
Leaving that Ursuline school
With all those nice girls
And not botherin' to stay with de boys
I get a shock to my system
'We are sending you to a new place'
My parents tell me, one day
The fees are too high, so I had to move
New school - but all boys!
Trouble ahead
My heart sank as I felt da strain
Of bullyin' in my ears
Use yer fists now, you've gotta be hard, right?
But didn't like to fight
Didn't enjoy this new male company
Forced upon my shoulders
Too little to fight back
Too small to say: 'I want to be with da girls'
I had no voice
So my bed was set
I had no choice but to let
This situation play out
Until a crisis emerged
This female absence in my life
I now see was destructive
As you shall soon see
Primary, then Secondary schools
Dublin, 1980 - 1990
For most of those years, if not all
I suffered the incarceration of masculine oppression
My teenage years were very hard
Only boys surrounded me
Everyday I had to portray an image
But I could not be aggressive
Couldn't rise for a fight
By this time I began to start
Questioning my sexuality
Was I gay? Am I gay?
I asked myself daily
Queer, you're a queer aren't ya?
These thoughts tumbled around in my mind for years
But no, I always yearned for women
I wanted to start to fuck women
But instead I began to fuck my own mind
Wet dreams of ladies - same age as me
Left a stain on my bed
While - silly me - spent da days thinking
'Aren't you gay?'
This is da pain I carried
Long into my adult life
Unable to slay this male piece of shit
Lodged deep in my psyche
'No sexual adventures for you then boy'
Someone must have mumbled at my birth
This boy, now a man aged 47 just this week
Is now able to fuck women
But I cannot
I fuck with my words
My female creative juices have been released
Having been repressed for so long
So I get pleasure, unbridled pleasure
From being with ladies of all types
Conversin' 'n' diversin' with women
Cos that's who I really am
Chattin', laughin', givin' pleasure to females
Fuckin' my ladies with my words
Givin' them an orgasm
Without touchin' them physically
These days I'm a married man
Childless through circumstances
That I still am copin' with
But still able to love
Still able to cherish
My female side is unleashed
And all you males can just
Go fuck yerselves!
© Iano, 2019
